'I wish I was a smarter defender,' Says Freakish Athlete

Believable Fake

Former State Long Jump Champion and explosive athletic presence Gilderoy Pots was caught openly whining about his lack of frisbee IQ yesterday, saying he wishes he was a ‘smarter, slower, more technical defender.’ 

It is reported that Mr Pots, who racked up 24 layout blocks, 57 goals, and 1 token assist in his debut Nationals season, often complains about his lack of field awareness, game sense, and positioning. He sometimes argues that he is ‘too fast’ to read the play and has ‘trouble slowing down when at full speed’.

‘I only ever get blocks by totally physically outcompeting my player in basically any one-on-one scenario,’ he was overheard saying. ‘I wish that, just once, I could get a well-timed poach block out of the stack.’

Mr Pots is one of Australia’s best defensive receivers despite being something of a moron on the field. He regularly forces the wrong way, accidentally plays match when everyone else is playing zone, and disc-watches so much that cutters generally get a two second head start. Though this is not enough time to successfully get free of him, Mr Potts does tend to shake his head and sigh in a ‘Why always me?’ kind of way once he has run past his player for the D.

Sick of his reputation as a ‘freakish athlete’, Mr Pots is trying to reinvent himself as a crafty, intelligent defender. He has been begging his team’s slower and shorter handlers to reveal their ‘secrets’, and has on more than one occasion said the phrase ‘If I was as smart as you, I’d be the best defender in the world.’

Updates to come.